Oh Bother...

Today I was asked a question. It was a simple question and yet it filled me with so many different emotions and thoughts...

The question was if I am in school. As my current occupation is not so much a 'dream job' or something that many would think of as a respectable career it is an understandable question to have been asked, however it was the tone of the question that brought me down. The tone of it followed by the silence after my answer made me feel as if I am perceived as inadequate or not smart enough to do a 'worthy' job. I love my boss and I believe she is the most respectable, honest and kindest person I've ever met. We have had the conversation of what paths we would have taken under different circumstances, it isn't as if she dreamed of being a cleaner... but so what if she did?! Somebody has to do it. And I don't feel that I have to justify why I am doing it to anyone regardless of their awkward silences or ignorant questions. I am making a life for myself and my family and I am happy doing it.

I have come to realize in the past few months what I've given up... I like to say that I traded a calloused soul for calloused hands. I gave up a lifestyle not a life... and I wasn't made for that lifestyle to begin with so it's no loss. Now I work with people who actually care, not only about me but my family. Life is good now.

People do not understand or respect those of us who get down and dirty for the rest of society to live the way they do. 

Of course I try not let the misconceptions of others influence me but at the end of the day it's hard not to reflect on them. I know that I work hard and that I am a good person, it shouldn't matter what I am working hard at because that doesn't make me any different than the person who is working hard behind a computer desk or than the other person working hard making the coffee's for everyone in the busy morning rush. A job is a job, as people we should follow our passions and go with our strengths... my passion is people and one of my strengths is doing work that is hands on.

That is my rant for the day...

:)

Backwards

Things have been going pretty great lately, I feel a lot happier than I have in a long time. However I can't help the feeling that I'm retracing my footsteps so to speak... coming back to my old job has been so good for my emotional well being and for having more time to spend with my little boy but it's also raised some stress due to finances and taking such a big pay cut from where I was. In that aspect I feel like I'm backtracking ... but at the same time I know that money isn't everything... and obviously doesn't equal happiness. I guess I'm just used to living like we were and being able to spend money without keeping track of where it was going and now I have to watch every dollar that leaves my wallet. It is probably a good thing though because I was really losing track of my spending so now I'm forced to think about everything I buy and that will be a good change... I can rebuild our "foundation" of our earnings this way. We are trying to start over, clear out our debt and get into better financial shape. It hasn't been easy but... who ever said anything about money being an easy feat?

There has been so much change in our lives in the last few months... it's been hectic and sometimes hard but it's also very refreshing to be in a completely different place in most aspects of our life and to be so much happier and we have been happier too; as a couple which is even more important!

We have changed a lot lately in respect to how we live and with our restricted budget we've had to give up a lot of luxuries we were used to but I don't honestly feel as if we are living in a limited way. I think a lot of our purchases prior to this change were selfish splurges we would allow ourselves to have because we could and now we can't be selfish, we have to think as a family and as a whole and that is a much better way to go about things anyways. I have taught myself how to make my expensive luxury latte's from home and I now have a D.I.Y. ritual for my pedicures and my hair coloring wants, the things that used to "make my day" are now just nice little additions because now what makes my day is spending so much more time with my family or being able to cook dinner or to play with my son more often... I'm a better mom, fiance and probably every other title I fall under simply because my focus has completely and totally changed. I have a new outlook on my life and on myself that I can only thank to my backwards actions! 

Blonde Ambition?

As the wedding plans continue to whittle down on my list of to do's I have one decision that I can't seem to make my mind up over... my hair color.

I know it seems like such a trivial part of everything but I want to have the perfect look on our big day, I want to feel my most beautiful and I want to look back at all of our pictures over the years and know everything was perfect... and that I was perfect!

I like blonde because it's so glamorous and "look at me" pretty, it makes your face brighter and my eye color stands out more when my hair is lighter...

I like brunette because I feel more natural and classic looking, my eyebrows are dark so I feel like it doesn't draw attention to them where as blonde does (to me)...

Having been both hair colors and really liking both colors I'm having a hard time deciding... originally my heart was set on being brunette and my only concern on that was what shade... but then I started to look at more pictures of my "blonde days" and thinking maybe I should be that color?

But I don't want to feel fake on my wedding day... when I got my dress the very first day I had it on I was a light blonde and looking at those pictures I felt like it washed out my features. The second time I had it on for alterations my hair was dark blonde and it looked much better.... now my hair is dark brown and I think it would look great as well.

Very classic and old style glamour...

Dark brown hair, soft waves, my veil... sounds pretty glamorous to me! (or light brown?)

Blonde, soft waves, my veil... sounds pretty... but is it glamorous? (dark blonde?)

There are quite a few friends and family who say blonde and almost the same amount who say brunette...

I'm so confused...

No Home Sweet Home

Lately I have been paying a lot more attention to the real estate market and housing prices... I would love to buy a home of our own in the near future but I worry that we may not be able to afford it. I know we wouldn't (shouldn't) even think about it until after the wedding at least which is not far away, it would give us time to think about finances as well as where we would be interested in looking and what we would pay.

I don't mind renting but I just want a place that is our own. No neighbors that you can hear through the walls and a big backyard and enough room for all of our needs and for having family and friends over.

I've grown to be ... somewhat comfortable in our place now but it still doesn't feel like home. Our last place felt so much more homey and comfortable and here it just feels so... small and crappy and I just want to get out. I want a place to kick back and relax and know it's our own and know that everything is taken care of and done properly and just be happy and settled in.

I just can't wait! I look through the online listings all the time and then I get more antsy thinking about it and I know when the time is right for us to buy we will find the perfect home but I'm so impatient I just wish we could now! A year is not very long to have to look into things and consider all of our options so at least that is the upside. However we still don't really know when we will be able to actually make the leap from rent to own.

One day...

Beginnings

I'm one week into my new (old) job and I can honestly say I haven't been this happy in a long time. I used to wake up and hit snooze multiple times because I didn't want to get up and go to work, now I get up and look forward to going. I don't feel like I even have a job because I spend all day with people I absolutely love and get along so well with and I like cleaning to begin with so for me it's just a good way to spend time. Plus I have so much more energy ever since starting there, I get home and I want to do things around the house or with Aiden rather than sit and watch t.v. because I was so exhausted mentally I had no drive for anything else.

I feel so great, I know a lot of it has to do with being active and on my feet all day which I also really like.

It's kind of funny because at my old job I would come home and the last thing I wanted to do was be on the computer because I sat at one all day long but when I come home from this job I want to clean my house even though I've spent all day cleaning! So it's just such a change...

It feels like this was meant to be and that I was definitely in dire need of change.

:)

Falling for Fall

It's that time of year... the soft winds of summer slowly change to a chilly breeze... the days are shorter already, the leaves are changing color and falling...

I absolutely am in love with fall. Everything about this season is, to me, perfect!

My all time favorite Starbucks drink makes it's seasonly debut (the Pumpkin Spice latte!)

The fashion trends never fail to astonish and captivate me, I love the runways this time of the year they are so full of drama and so mesmerizing!

I am a lover of change so every spring and every fall I feel this ambition to make a difference in my life. Spring is the usual de-clutter and simplify time but fall is the re-evaluation time. I always tend to sit back and try to look at my life and what I'm doing and see what I want to be different. This year my difference is my job, I'm taking a major change leaving the office and going back to my old boss at the cleaning company. At the moment I don't feel that my career is important, I wasn't happy at my old job and I definitely wasn't happy with the amount of time I spent away from my son :(

Now I will be working less and will be able to spend more time with him which until he is back in school is my goal! Once he starts school I will figure out what I want to do. It's not like I'm short on time or options... I'm going to be under 25 when he starts school which is still young. So right now I'm not too worried. I want to focus on my family, their needs and my own. I want to think about what I am happy doing. I want to have more time to do what I enjoy and teach my son to do things he enjoys as well. I think this change will make a huge difference and I am really looking forward to it... it's a bit intimidating but I know I'll adjust quickly. It helps that I have such a good relationship with my old (new) boss.

So there is change number one. Of course following that change I know I will change, being able to put my priorities back in line will definitely change my perspective and attitude towards everything. Who knows what other revelations I will have ... haha.

  

Starbucks VIA

I have burned my tongue in the name of research!

I have just "brewed"(boiled) myself a cup of the new Starbucks VIA instant coffee,

Being someone who does not have a lot of time (or a regular coffee machine) I usually don't make coffee at home unless it's the weekend. I was quite intrigued by this new treat and I had to try it and see if it was as good as the real stuff and if it beat out Grandma Nich's instant brew (sorry Grams but that stuff just doesn't cut it for me!)

Upon opening the packet I inhale the scent and I'm pleasantly surprised at the familiar aroma, very Starbucks... strong and robust! There is only a slim hint of that "instant" smell.

I mix it with my boiled water, stir and voila! It looks and smells just like the regular brewed kind!

But the most important part of the test... does it taste the same?

Upon my first sip I am met with all of my expectations! It is rich, strong, fragrant and despite it burning my tongue I found the taste to be the same as my much loved regular version!

I would even buy it! (This was a sample)

Just wanted to share in my cuppa joy! ;)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

It seems as though all of my pondering has paid off... I've finally taken a step forward to do something about my unhappiness in my job. Actually I guess I've taken numerous steps, but today I took the big leap and quit!

I'm returning to my old job at the cleaning company where my boss was amazing and I got to be physically drained at the end of the day rather than mentally. Talking to my old boss again was so nice, I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed her companionship! She is such a wonderful person and she was such a great boss! After I put in my resignation I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

After so long I was torn between the choice of staying with my job for money or leaving it for happiness, after a long inner argument I decided that happiness wins HANDS DOWN!

I need this right now, I need the change it brings and I need out of the office...out of downtown. I can't be there anymore... it's become too much of something I don't want any part of.

People may look down on me for leaving... I know at first even to me the thought of leaving an Oil & Gas company for a cleaning company sounds pretty absurd... but really it's not. It doesn't matter where you work or what your job title is or what your pay stub looks like... what matters is wether its what you want and if you are happy. Office work does not make for a happy me. An unhappy me makes for a less fun mommy to little A and a less fun fiance to D. That's not fair to them. It's not fair to me.

Plus I feel more ME now that I'm doing something because I want to do it and not because I feel like I should stay there for my salary to be a certain amount. This is who I am. The person who doesn't care about numbers. I just want to provide for my family. That's good enough in my opinion.

This way I will have more time with little A too! Perfect!

I feel like it's coming together the way it should be... I'm actually really excited about it and I can't wait to see my 'old new boss'!! :)

I can't wait to go back to a life where work doesn't equal stress!

Making A List...or Two or Three...

It is 352 days until the wedding...

Yes I am THAT girl who counts down a full calendar year to the big day. I am also THAT girl who has to make a list for EVERYTHING wedding. I will be sitting at my desk at work and out of nowhere my mind will yell "floral arrangements!" And I will grab a piece of paper and jot down my ideas for different types of flowers I love, what colors I want to use, how I want them to be arranged, what kind of look I'm going for... endless, and I mean endless options are scribbled and then tucked neatly into my purse to go through in the evening.

I don't think anyone fully realizes how much work it is to plan a wedding, there is just SO much to plan and to consider. I am trying ever so hard to be a frugal bride. Chic and cheap is my motto.

So far I am sticking it to it fairly well... at least I think I am. And with 11 months and a few weeks to have everything perfectly planned I am off to a pretty good start. I already have my dress, the venues, the officiant, the ceremony musician, the wedding party chosen, and a probable caterer and menu selected!

I never realized it before, but I simply LOVE planning all of this. I literally research everything and anything every single day at some point or another. I have two binders full of information, ideas and what my plans are. At first I admit I felt a bit overwhelmed by everything but thankfully we've waited a while since our engagement which gave me plenty of time to think about what I really wanted and what was us. I think that I have a pretty good picture of all of that in my mind now and I'm fully ready to search out the missing pieces to put it all together!

I really want this wedding to be perfect! I want the atmosphere to be beautiful and romantic, like a summer garden party! I think the main thing I will splurge on is flowers, I love flowers and I want them to be everywhere! Again with the garden party look... I will most likely go overboard in that area!

One thing that is really very hard for me to think about is the fact that my Grandmother will not be there to share this day with me. I was so close to Grammy, I love her so much and I miss her so. What I would give to see her beautiful smile and to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. To have her see me as a bride, in my gown. To tell her that I hope to become the amazing woman she was. Because she loved flowers as much as she did I will be sure to make them abundant at my wedding just for her, just so that she can look down at us all and enjoy the beauty too from where she is above. xoxoxo.

 

Nearing the End

I hate it here.

Here being my "home" (the quotations are there because it still doesn't feel like a home to me) and also being this city and countless other things that coincide with living here... work, stupid neighbors, D's job and his stupid shifts that I hate...

We just came back from the lake and my week of holidays is over, I am so very glad I had that week break but at the same time I really don't feel ready to go back yet. I don't know but sometimes even the thought of work makes me feel drained. I don't hate my job, I don't love it either... but especially coming from vacation where I didn't have to be there all week it really makes me think that I want a new challenge. I know that it probably won't happen for awhile but I really want to figure something out because I just don't want to feel this way my whole working life. I miss spending more time with my family, I want to do something that lets me be creative and have fun and be challenged... it kind of depresses me to come back to this.

It also depresses me to live in this stupid place with idiot neighbors and taking the worst bus ever to work everyday. Its dumb but sometimes I get these feelings of anxiety just because I wish I didn't have to go to work the next day. Its like the Sunday Night Blues or something.

Being away and living so simply for that week just made me see that I want that, I want more of that. I don't want to be part of this rat-race that Calgary has become. I just don't care about the money or the greed or the things... but no matter how much I try to think of something I can't come up with an idea of what I can do that would give us that satisfaction of a homey place to live and a slow paced small town living and to be content doing whatever we decided to do.

Maybe I just think to much about this kind of thing, but the more I see Calgary grow and the deeper I get in the business world I see more and more of a life I don't care to have. Sure money is nice and being able to afford anything my family could want or need would be a great thing but it isn't about that and I don't want that to be the values my son is raised with. I feel like I'm in the middle of an inner tug-of-war sometimes and it drives me insane. I would give anything to have a simpler life but I would give anything to give everything to my family.

I don't really know what to do.

Too much of some things are bad for your health...

Well we are almost done with our second move of the year...I'm not thrilled that we had to leave our place, I really loved it! I liked the area but at the same time I'm glad to be back in the community I grew up in and to be closer to the parents. But I do miss that place...I wish I could have the same place but here instead. I miss stupid things like having more than one bathroom and an extremely useful (to me) walk in closet and a nice sized backyard and a large kitchen... D keeps saying that for now we just need to make due with what we can so we can save up for a house. He's right I know. I'm the type of person who expects a lot. I don't know if that is selfish of me or if it's just because I know what I can have. Can being the key word because it doesn't mean it makes sense to have whatever I CAN...so goodbye old home...hello new (but rather old) home. No more moving, not until we find our place to call Home (for good hopefully)

One thing I really hate about moving is it makes me realize how much I hoard things. We filled up our basement with boxes and boxes of things that I could care less to go through... obviously they aren't that important if I don't want to even open them so why can't I get rid of some? I think hoarding things is a hereditary disease that my family has...

So anyways, clutter. That is how my life feels right now because when my space is cluttered I feel cluttered and disorganized and stressed out. But I'm giving myself a break this week since the last two weeks straight were spent moving, cleaning and helping family finish their home to sell...I think I deserve a week off (except my day job of course...and mommyhood)

So here I am wasting time on the computer... stealing internet connection from somebody in our compound...no t.v. for the moment and no D to keep me company...

I haven't been working out lately, but I don't classify this as falling off the wagon just yet because of all the time doing physical work with the move and everything its not like i wasn't doing anything at all. I'm still motivated to try my best. My promise to myself was that after the move and once I got organized I would focus on that again. I'm giving myself until next week!

Well I'm not really in the mood to write much more tonight...back to my chaotic life... 

Pooch Be Gone!

Okay so I realize I have said this before...I believe it was in the very first entry I posted on here...but once again I am trying to get back on track in my fitness regimen. Time and time again I have tried to stick with something and failed, this time I hope will be different.

My reason for this anger at my failure is as follows (please picture this scenario in your head):

It is January, I am enjoying an hour to myself at the mall going through some tail end boxing day deals when I come into a store I wouldn't normally even glance at walking by...what is in this store changed my credit cards life forever...as I passed through some racks with very nice markdowns I come to one that stops me in my tracks...I see the jeans, they are beautiful. They scream "put me on!" and as if to answer the calls a saleswoman approaches me and asks if I would like to try on a pair. What could the harm be in trying them on...I rationalize to myself not stopping to remind my brain that I do not have very good will power. On I follow the girl to the change rooms and slip into these beauties. I come out, check myself out and I like what I see. For any girl you know how hard it is to find a great pair of jeans, especially when they are the FIRST pair you try on. So I admire how great they fit, check out my butt and think wow... THESE are jeans! I pull out the price tag and feel the blood drain from my face...200$ ... then my poor rationalization skills come into play telling me things like 'you've never spent more than 60$ on a pair of jeans before, whats the harm in ONE expensive pair?' or 'when was the last time you even bought jeans??' or 'think about how envious you are of J's jeans and clothes and for once wouldn't you like to have a nice brand name pair to flaunt?' My answer.. YES, yes and yes!

I take the jeans up to the counter, anxiously scanning the store half expecting my mom to jump out behind a clothing rack and drag me out by my hair at this rediculous spending spree I'm about to embark on...nothing happens...I get to the till...I hear those ugly numbers coming out of the cashiers mouth and I hand her my credit card with my best "I shop here all the time" smirk on my face and I take my bag, clutching it against me even closer than my purse, and leave the store (and the mall in fear of spending more money I shouldn't)

But wait there is more...

The jeans are too long, everywhere else is a perfect fit but they are about 3 inches too long! I carefully fold them into my closet so that when I have the money to alter them I can get it done.

A month goes by, no alterations have been made. Then one day I think to myself it's about time I get those pants fixed. I pull them out, gaze over the beauty that is Rock & Republic and I decide to put them on. I pull one leg through, then the other and I stop...I catch my horrified look in the mirror as I think to myself that this CANNOT be happening...I can't get them over my butt...I can't do them up...oh my god what have I done!!!!

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to take back buying these stupid lovely devilish things!! I squirm, I suck in everything I can, I pull and pull and ... nothing. They don't fit me anymore!

I take them off and hang them up very carefully and sit on my bed. My first thought is there goes almost 200$ down the drain on something I can't use. My second thought is how could I not fit into my pants?

Now let me just say that I have always had some fluctuation in my weight between 5 and 10 pounds but in the past it seemed to leave as easily and quickly as it came. This time it was not so.

That real life nightmare occurred in February, it is now almost July. My pants still don't fit and they stay hung up in my closet unworn, untouched and mocking me every day of my life.

Upside - I haven't bought a pair of jeans since. Downside - more of my jeans have decided to betray me and no longer fit as well.

What do I do?

I managed to cut back on snacking and fast food quite a bit, I would say I eat pretty well now. I tried to get into a gym, my Curves membership has since failed me as I quickly lost my motivation to go. I started running a few times a week at lunch...for two weeks...then I stopped. I can't stick to anything. No matter how good it makes me feel that I have more energy or I've found a way not to snack myself to death at work I still feel fat. Until I can fit into those jeans I think I will have a hard time telling myself I am not. Despite knowing deep down that I'm not FAT and that is such an ugly word I have always had such a bad body image of myself that I don't really know how to train my brain not to think those things.

My goal this summer was to look and feel AMAZING in a bikini. That was it.

Well its summer...I'm nowhere near that goal at the moment.

So now that I've explained myself I want to once again make a goal for myself. Maybe my bikini goal was a bit far fetched...so now my goal is simply this:

Lose the tummy pooch, lose a few inches around the butt & thighs, tone up and most importantly FEEL good about myself (meaning no more unhealthy labelling and also feeling healthy in my diet and managing my exercise)

I bought the new Shape magazine today and I drank a big glass of water, went downstairs and did one of the workouts for 20 minutes. I was sweating and I could feel my heart beating pretty fast after, then I stretched, drank more water and now I'm here...

I've heard that if you write down your goals you are more likely to achieve them. I can't remember why this was or where I read it but I'm going to give it (another) shot. And maybe this time I will try to track it for myself.

I would like to exercise minimum of 2 times a week but preferably 3. At least 45 minutes worth. I want to do cardio twice a week (not including those 45 minutes) and stretch everyday!

I think part of my problem with not sticking to routines is that I get bored so to stay away from a rut I'm going to try to mix things up by doing different exercises from Shape (online and from magazines) as well as try some drop in classes, go biking, running, hiking, swimming, anything I can think of to keep motivated!

I'm really hoping that in a few months I can say I have achieved this goal for myself. I need to stay positive and think about the long term goals, not just the short term. I need to stay focused!

So here is day one, I'm going to force myself to do some cardio tomorrow!

*The greatest wealth is health*

Call Me Crazy

I feel like somebody has taken all of the pieces of my brain apart like from a puzzle, put them in a jar and shaken them...then dumped them out...perhaps into a crack between couch cushions...I'm not entirely sure however the point is my mind is in utter chaos right now!

I think most of it is in anticipation of all the change coming...moving yet again, which I am excited about don't get me wrong but the thought of packing and transporting after moving here only 6 months ago seems daunting. My nerves are on end at the thought of this mess...the accumulation of crap. I wish someone would come into out house and just take all of the stuff we don't actually need (which would be most of it) and I wouldn't notice it was missing when I came home and I could just pack 2 boxes up and go! What is it about stuff anyways. Why do we need so many things around us? does it make us feel better about our lives to be surrounded by items...to put labels or emotions towards them like they are irreplaceable ... why do we do it? Why do we hoard?

Maybe this move I will un-hoard myself. Tidy up my life a bit. Everyone could use some of that.

Otherwise...why am I going crazy? I guess I'm also nervous because of moving Aiden's daycare again however this nervous has nothing to do with being worried about where he will be or who he's with or anything along those lines! I am so stupidly excited about his new daycare I was practically jumping off the walls when we found out we could get him in!

I am so, so, so extremely happy!

This place is like the HEAVEN of all day cares. It is perfection! It is too much to even be labeled as "daycare" implying some drab room full of hand my down toys and diaper smell... no... not this place, this is THE daycare of all day cares!

I could go on but I won't. Basically Aiden will be so much better of here, this place is like the foundation for development and for school and for social skills... everything a child needs they get at this place. And why are we so lucky? Well because my boss is who he is and he has some major pull ... lucky for me! :)

So beyond the moving stress and the day care transitional madness I'm going through I couldn't tell you why else I feel so lost and dazed right now.

I guess maybe I just need to relax. Slow my thoughts. Slow my pace. Slow it all.

What I actually really think I need is to get away for a bit... which is a good thing because I'll be going to Sask. soon to see grammy. That will be a nice trip, much needed escape from my surroundings!

Maybe it will help me unwind a bit...I can only hope anyways.

Well I guess thats it for now since I still can't seem to think straight enough to write anything decent tonight...

Until next time! 

Risk

This morning, laying exhausted across the couch with Aiden in my lap I started to think about my life and how to change it for the better...a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately...

I started thinking about being a kid, it was so fun and easy...you really don't know how good you have it while you are young, always wishing to be a grown up no matter what people tell you about cherishing the time you have to be irresponsible and do whatever you want. These days being irresponsible in my books relates to not cleaning the house on a Saturday. Wild and spontaneous have flown the coop in my world.

So back to being young...I remember in the school playground there was a large metal arch-like monkey bar that connected the jungle gyms. When I was in grade 3 I would sit and watch the grade 4 students in awe at how they could walk across the bars like they were walking across the ground, it looked so easy and so dangerous at the same time. There were moments when I, along with my best friends, would dare to attempt the feat of crossing the arch. We would take two steps, stumble and catch ourselves back at the bottom. A few weeks passed and we got halfway. Recess, evenings, weekends passed us by and finally the day came. I stood at the bottom of one end of the arch, took a breath and started my way. I had learned through trial and error that it was best to go for it, not to stop or hesitate on my next step and only to follow through. So I kept going, I made it to the middle point where so many times I had given up out of fear of tumbling to the ground from what then seemed like towering height. I pushed myself to keep going, tip toeing across the bars, where finally I made it to the other side. I turned back to the obstacle that had taken me so long to overcome, triumphant I smiled and my friends cheered me on.

It seems like forever since I've defeated a new arch in life. I've faced many obstacles but I've sat back and allowed my fear of falling... of failing... let me pass up the risk and what might come out of the challenge. I continually tell myself I can't instead of I can. When did that change?

When did I become a quitter?

If the grade 3 version of me met myself now she would laugh. She would be embarrassed at how shallow her future looks. Every dream she had slipped through the cracks of another arch. I feel like that 7 year old version of myself is trying to surface, trying to talk some sense into the 21 year old version that for some reason needs to contemplate her life and why parts of it seem to be meaningless and not at all what her dreams were made of instead of doing something about it.

People always say they wish they knew what they know now as adults when they were young. I think it should be the other way around. Children are wise about life. They are wise about the way they spend their time. At least when we were kids we were. There were no video games that consumed us for hours on end. We spent all of our time outdoors, bike rides, games, sports, anything to keep busy and be with our friends. What happened to those values?

Only a few years ago I remember making the promise to myself that I would never settle in a job that didn't fulfill me. Three years and then some down the line at the same job with the same un-fulfillment and yearn to find more I'm wondering what happened to that promise. And once again, the 7 year old would never break a promise...not to herself, not to her friends and not even to her diary...but it seems that everyday I promise myself to make better choices for a happier and better life and everyday I let myself down.

It's time for me to find an arch, brace myself, no pausing and no hesitation, just take a chance with stepping out to a new challenge so I can find out what lies on the other side.

I (don't) Like to Move It, Move It

So the last couple weeks have been pretty uneventful...pretty long and pretty slack...

I am still on what feels like a roller coaster exercise routine, I joined curves and the first couple weeks I was pretty good about going but then I had a bad week where i didn't and this week I didn't and I feel like CRAP! I have no energy, no motivation and I pretty much slept ALL weekend whenever I got the chance...I would like to blame some of that on this shit weather we've been having but I can't make excuses forever, I am lazy!

I have a big fear of gaining weight, thankfully my metabolism won't easily allow for that to happen but I can't rely on good genes and aside from weight issues I can't ignore my fear of other heart problems that my bad eating habits could lead to. I would say my self image is pretty distorted as it is ... I weigh in at a pretty average and mostly healthy weight of around 130. Yet I feel caught up with the fact that only a year ago I weighed 10 pounds lighter. But i am not exactly sure if that was healthy or not...I think most of it was because after having Aiden I was so concerned with not looking like I had a baby that I just didn't eat but then I found my love affair with food again...now i want to tape my mouth closed for a month...however I'm trying to keep smart and healthy about it, still eating but trying to cut out the unhealthy snacks...or cut down at minimum. And I'm going to get my butt back in gear with exercise! I'm running the 5K mothers day marathon with my friends, that gives me two weeks to get my stamina back up for running and to get myself back to Curves 3 times per week minimum. In a month I would like to see some tone to my arms and stomach and by summer I want to be able to go biking and jogging with Aiden!

Why is it so hard to be active? I've always lived an active life until ... well after high school ... I don't like feeling this way, weak and unhealthy. But I still can't get the drive up to change it...I need to find that and start to change my habits. I don't want my son to grow up in front of the television, at least he motivates me! Now that he wants to go outside and play all the time it is great for me. But I want to feel good and be able to keep up with him... so that should motivate me if nothing else!

Well here goes another attempt...wish me luck!

Trash

Lately I have been noticing an abundance of woman carrying ugly handbags. In my defense on the c-train to and from work there is not a lot to keep my attention when I forget my book... One theme that seems to be quite common in the U.H. category is the patchwork cat bag.

Now in my personal opinion, unless this bag is either a)holding your cat's belongings or b)holing your knitting essentials (because you are over 60) this is not a style that is very chic...

What is it about this that draws women in? Much like wearing your favorite disney character on a sweatshirt...this isn't something that is very sylish past the age of 10.

If you like cats then verbalize it, we don't need to see them plastered all over your outfit. If you are trying to make a statement then trust me, all you are telling people is "I am a crazy cat lady who is senial and lives alone" because if you did have any (honest) friends they would surely tell you this bags belongs in the trash.

Hum Drum Day

Another workday...another countdown of the hours passing...
I feel restless, lazy, unmotivated...it's one of those days where I would have been perfectly content staying home and spending the day in my pj's.
I am looking forward to the weekend, I enjoy spending my saturday's with my little guy. Tomorrow I'm taking him to see the baby animals at Agricultural Days which I'm excited about. I know he will enjoy it!
There is really nothing like seeing a smile and hearing a laugh from your child :)
I am in an indulgent mood today, I'm thinking that it would be very nice to go home and not cook dinner and have a glass of wine and perhaps some ice cream...that sounds like a very good way to spend the evening.

Anyways, an uplifting thought...I have recently made a "motivational plan" for the next two years...I don't plan on sticking to it exactly, well not all of it, as with all of my plans they never really seem to fall through the way I intend...but enough rambling, this is it:
Sometime within the next year and a half I would like to take a fun family trip somewhere new, as we are on a budget my plan is restricted but I'm considering something like Pheonix, California, as long as it is warm I will be content. My fingers are crossed that will be happening this year...we will see...
My second plan of action is another trip, this one to Vegas! Just me and D, so I will be really excited for that one but there is no set date or expected date...we'll see on that one.
The third, biggest and most exciting part of my plan is our WEDDING!!!! We have set our date and this time I swear we are NOT CHANGING IT!!!!
So I'm pleased to say that August 21st, 2010 is when we will exchange our vows!
I can't wait to wear my beautiful dress & my "mahnolo blahniks" ... and to make it official with D of course!!!
And the last part of my plan is of course the honeymoon...which will actually be more of a "familymoon"
So that will hopefully be our exotic destination trip!
The countdown begins...I hope we are lucky and follow through with it all!!

I Want...

A PUPPY!

Are we really living...?

Sometimes I feel like life defeats me. I don't have enough time to spend on things I enjoy, I don't have enough money to experience things I would like to, I don't have enough courage to jump off my path and start a new one...
I just feel like there are so many things that hold us back in life from where we should be, what we should be doing.
How wasteful it seems to be to work 7 days a week, to spend our weekends running errands and doing chores around our homes/ect. We don't have time for the people we love or for the hobbies we truly would rather spend our precious time on. We don't have the budget to take random holidays and travel and share those experiences with others.
So what really...what is it that we are living for?
Day after day, month to month....years pass us by and our internal clocks continue on...each second dissappearing before our eyes screaming at us to live.
We robotically move from our homes, to our cubicles, back home to the couch...wasting away...
How do you live each day as if it were your last? I know if it were my last day I wouldn't be spending it bored at work or numb infront of my television.
But we have to do these things.
So at what point really are we supposed to be living and cherishing?
Does anybody actually have time for that stuff?
I wish we had equal work to weekend ratios. I want more family time, more me time...
More fulfillment! Just more...

I'm Back..

Ok so it's been awhile.

First off we did not make the 10 finalists... and I have to say that some of those couples had the most retarded stories I don't understand how we didn't beat some of them out but that is just my sore loser-ness talking.

I am on day 2 of stay at home mom. Not as in I am unemployed but my little guy has been sick, I really hate when you can't do anything to make it better. Last night he woke up at 3 and didn't go back to sleep until after 7, he had a fever and even me cuddling him on the couch didn't help him rest. But he seems to be a bit better today thankfully, I just feel so much worry. And this is the first time he's actually been sick aside from a cold and slight fever from having shots. So its been frustrating!

Sometimes I think that I would love to have just one more, but then I think maybe this is our family. Just the 3 of us. I would be perfectly happy with that. But at the same time then there is the worry if I will regret it or if Aiden would grow up lonely or become spoiled... its a tough decision to make. Right now I'm not ready to make it, but me and D have both discussed that maybe in the future we will have another... so we will see when the time comes!

Otherwise I guess I don't really have anything else to say right now...

back to crappy daytime t.v. until little A wakes up from naptime.

Burn Baby Burn

I have finally started to exercise. After much procrastination I forced myself to do something.

As you know we are in our new place now, more space has allowed us to create an exercise area. It isn't much right now, some free weights, a stability ball ... but it works! Anything is better than nothing right?

So I've been gradually getting myself into a routine and surprisingly I actually look forward to it! This is week 2 and so far so good. Today my abs were killing me and my workout was two days ago, so this evening I focused on my arms and legs. My goal right now is that by the end of the month I will be able to lift more weight and do more reps, as well as feel somewhat toned... at least I would imagine I'll start to feel something after a few more weeks?! I have to give D credit because without him I wouldn't have even started to work out. So he is my support system.

I would really like to start running as well, first I will need some proper shoes and the drive to wake myself up earlier in the mornings to do it. I think it will be great!

Okay, so there are 2 days left until the top 10 finalists are chosen for the Dream Wedding Contest!! Cross your fingers!

I'm not a very lucky person, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much... but then again you never know! Oh yeah and if the couple that bribed the radio station with candy and balloons wins I will track those bitches down and slap them! Okay no I wouldn't, but seriously... bribery? Shouldn't the winners be chosen on the impact their "love story" makes and not because they send treats? My love is sweeter than any candy out there... which is obviously why I didn't send anything in. Haha yes I know I am a loser...

If we don't win I have been trying to make some wedding plans once again, my dress is all ready for pick up!! That's one HUGE thing out of the way at least. I'm so excited to try it on again!! :)

Now we just have to figure out a plan that fits our budget. If only that weren't an obstacle! But money always is... always...

I really, really want a puppy!! A house is not a home without a dog! I love my kitty but I just... I need a dog to complete the family! :( If only we weren't renting...

I will just have to settle for Belle and Clive. Belle is my kitty, although she has her psychotic moments she is pretty darn cute. And Clive, he is my bunny neighbor that followed us to our new place. That is what I tell myself anyways. He greets me every morning. That will be the extent of my pets for now I suppose.

Well because I feel I am rambling I will stop here.

Goodnight!

Feeling lucky?

I asked a magic 8 ball if me and D were going to win the Dream Wedding Contest. It said yes.

That's all for now!

Dilemmas

I am (NOT) at work right now...
And being that I am so highly productive here, REGARDLESS of what any of the r-tards here like to think, I decided that a little mini-entry break is well deserved.
So we have moved, we are getting settled and I am LOVING our place! It is so amazing to have an actual place to call home, not a relatives basement where you don't have any "space" of your own. It is wonderful, I can't begin to describe how much... I feel that this change in surroundings will benefit us so much! :)

Back to work... ever since checking out SAIT online courses and Mt.Royal courses I have decided I do want to go back to school. I am in the midst of chosing... right now I am going back and forth between journalism and dental assitant... I do realize these are very opposite choices, I have always loved writing. I love words, I love reading them and writing them... I love beautiful quotes and poetry, I love darkness, hate, dispair... I love thought provoking articles, mysteries, romance... I feel butterflies when I read something that is well written and leaves me in awe. Yes I may sound like a dork admitting to all of that, but my point is I love words!
I have considered teaching English, becoming a journalist, becoming a writer. I dream of having something published one day.
However I also am very passionate about the health and wellbeing of others. I love taking care of people and communicating with them. I have often thought of being a nurse but I don't think I could handle the shifts, not with my family! I have also considered homecare but ... right now I have to be reasonable about my income, as selfish as that may sound. And as I scanned the listings of courses at SAIT and came across dental assistant it really caught my attention! The course is only 10 months long which is perfect, anything longer I would have to hold off on for awhile until financially we could afford it... so this would be perfect!
So there it is, I am left with a decision to make based on my two loves in life.

I have plenty time... so we will see what happens!

I better get back to my job...unfortunately...

P.S. I haven't started my excersising routine... hopefully now with the new place I can force myself to do something! Even if it's just walking with Aiden... I hate that I am lazy!

Cross Your Fingers!

Ok first of all I would just like to announce my utter disappointment for the repeat of 90210 tonight...WHAT THE HELL!!?? I was really looking forward to an hour devoted to scandal and whiney actresses...I guess I will make due with the Real Housewives of O.C.

I do have some pretty awesome news though, not only are there 3 days left until Moving Day!! But I just entered me and Derek into the Vibe 98.5 Dream Wedding Contest!!! AHHHHHH!

I could only imagine if we were to win, it would just be so insanely amazing!!!

Not only do I totally think we deserve it but I totally think we need it! It would be such a relief on the financial aspect of everything and it would be more than we could ask for!

So the finalists will be posted February 13th (Friday the 13th oooohhh...) I am really crossing my fingers and hoping that it our names will make the cut for top 10 and that we will, no doubt, have the BEST Valentines Day weekend EVER because of it!!!

Plus... it's our Birthday month... seriously it's just meant to be this time! It has to! :)

We need some luck our way, haha seriously!

So basically my mind is consumed with thoughts of moving & marrying!

I am a giddy mess right now. Before I work myself up anymore I am going to take a long bath to wind down for bed.

Goodnight!

Feeling Lost..

FOUR MORE DAYS TO MOVING DAY!!!!!

So lately I've been pondering over my job...my future goals...I haven't really come up with anything though. As I've learned you can't plan life...my original plan was to take a year off before going to college, well it's been 4 years since high school and I now have an 18 month old.

Needless to say my direction in life took many unexpected turns. I always try to plan, that's what I do...I have to plan everything and know what is going to happen...or feel like I do. I like control.

So basically my "plan" is to go back to school once my son starts kindergarten. But I am also open to opportunities that may come along, I'm open to changing my plan... I wouldn't even call it a plan anymore but... more of a fallback choice. If I haven't done anything or found anything that makes me happy by the time Aiden is in school then I will take some courses so that I can change that. After all, we spend so much time at our job, we might as well enjoy it!

I have to admit I was being rather harsh on my last entry, I do not hate my job. I don't love it either, but hate is a strong word. I don't feel like I'm using my talents in my job though, which makes it hard to enjoy.

Life is hard to figure out...we put things off because we feel like we can deal with it tomorrow, but we don't really acknowledge that tomorrow may not come. So why is it so hard to take chances? What are we afraid of? Failure is intimidating sure, but isn't a life of settling scary too... maybe scarier? You have options... as the quote goes "The only limits in life are the ones we set on ourselves" (author unknown) which is true... if you let your fears and doubts lead you in life you won't get very far. At least... you won't get where you want.

But another obstacle is choosing. In this endless sea of possibilities ... there are so many choices to make. As people, we are complex, so it isn't as if we only have a few options to chose from... maybe then it would be easier... but maybe not. As we all know nothing in life is easy, we just wish it were. We look for simple solutions to shine a light upon our lives thinking that if one piece of the puzzle is found the rest will simply fall into place... if only it were that easy.

A New Outlook

Do you ever stop and think "who am I?"... sometimes life seems to be so hectic and full of chaos that it seems we lose sight of ourselves, of who we want to be.

Lately I feel drained, not myself... at times empty. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that has you bogged down... especially if you are like me and are good at repressing your problems...

So I thought about everything and I realized a few things were bothering me... one thing was my living situation. I want and need to have a space that is for my family, we have put up with living in a basement for as long as we could stand... we realized it's time for something more!

Another issue which is still unresolved is my job, I hate my job. There is nothing about work that makes me happy and when at the end of the day you go home angry and stressed out it is not only me that this is a problem for, as I realized... but my family too. Considering they get the brunt of my frustrations. (Sorry!)

Last but not least I have, and always have had, body issues... issues with myself all around actually but the main focus was my body. When I was younger I constantly thought I was fat, ugly, dis-proportioned, you name it ... bad ... I thought it. After a few years and some actual knowledge seeped into me I realized I am none of those things, but of course we all have our hang ups. My issue with myself now is from a more rationale standing, the fact that I am not healthy. My eating habits first off are horrible, many people let the fact that I am thin equal me being healthy, that is dead wrong! I am a coffee drinker, that which is not a focused goal of changing... not now anyways. I am a snacker... it will be the death of me! I have the bad habit of binge eating on the weekends. The laziness comes on, I don't want to cook, we order out then we watch movies and pig out on junk food. Lately I've been trying to change that and I've done pretty good so far! But my number 1 health issue is that I don't excersise. It's pretty embarrassing when you run a block to catch your bus and you have to catch your breath! I attempted push ups last week, in high school I could easily do 20 or more... I couldn't finish 10! I have lost a lot of my ab muscles...although that I can blame on bearing a child although I don't have an excuse to not have those built up by now! I already have a bad back, I always have, carrying around Aiden everyday doesn't help. I realize that I need to strengthen and tone my body. And for once in my whole life I am more concerned to add weight to the scale because I know I have no muscle mass anymore. In fact I think I may even be underweight...

Another added bonus to my healthy changes will of course be feeling better and happier. More energy would mean more playful Mom for one thing!

So this is my goal, not necessarily my new years resolution but... my goal for my whole life. I need to start being smarter and making better choices, especially since soon enough my son will be paying more attention to the choices I make in order to learn how to make them for himself.. I need to be a better role model if nothing else!

Back to the job issue, I have been feeling for awhile now that it is time for a change... I need a new career path. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do, or even what I am good at... but I suppose you don't know until you try.

I do have a future hope that is to go back to school, once Aiden starts schooling I would love to go to college for something. Maybe journalism! But as of now I am undecided. I guess it depends where these next 4 years take me!

For now I'm just going to keep my options open... and keep my mind open to change.