Here being my "home" (the quotations are there because it still doesn't feel like a home to me) and also being this city and countless other things that coincide with living here... work, stupid neighbors, D's job and his stupid shifts that I hate...
We just came back from the lake and my week of holidays is over, I am so very glad I had that week break but at the same time I really don't feel ready to go back yet. I don't know but sometimes even the thought of work makes me feel drained. I don't hate my job, I don't love it either... but especially coming from vacation where I didn't have to be there all week it really makes me think that I want a new challenge. I know that it probably won't happen for awhile but I really want to figure something out because I just don't want to feel this way my whole working life. I miss spending more time with my family, I want to do something that lets me be creative and have fun and be challenged... it kind of depresses me to come back to this.
It also depresses me to live in this stupid place with idiot neighbors and taking the worst bus ever to work everyday. Its dumb but sometimes I get these feelings of anxiety just because I wish I didn't have to go to work the next day. Its like the Sunday Night Blues or something.
Being away and living so simply for that week just made me see that I want that, I want more of that. I don't want to be part of this rat-race that Calgary has become. I just don't care about the money or the greed or the things... but no matter how much I try to think of something I can't come up with an idea of what I can do that would give us that satisfaction of a homey place to live and a slow paced small town living and to be content doing whatever we decided to do.
Maybe I just think to much about this kind of thing, but the more I see Calgary grow and the deeper I get in the business world I see more and more of a life I don't care to have. Sure money is nice and being able to afford anything my family could want or need would be a great thing but it isn't about that and I don't want that to be the values my son is raised with. I feel like I'm in the middle of an inner tug-of-war sometimes and it drives me insane. I would give anything to have a simpler life but I would give anything to give everything to my family.
I don't really know what to do.
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