Back In the Groove

I had an interview today at an office... originally I really didn't think I wanted to work in an office... ever again. But after this interview I feel like I have a newfound opinion... there were times were I would think back on my previous jobs and feel as if maybe I wasn't good enough for them and that's why they didn't work out... I would think about things I may have done wrong and things I regretted and decided that I wasn't made for that type of work but after thinking about it more I think I realize that isn't the case, it wasn't the work or being in an office it was the places that I wasn't made for.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so in my opinion I went through what I did and went where I did because I had to experience different things to be able to determine what I wanted and what would be a good fit for me.
For different reasons I wasn't a good fit at my other jobs and that's why I'm not still working at those places... I have the opportunity now to find a place that would work for me. Somewhere that I feel like I belong, somewhere that I can be equally important as an employee and a mother and wife... so basically I need balance. That is a major factor to me in finding a career. Working where I have in the past there wasn't the balance I felt I needed, I get the impression that where I had my interview today would be somewhere I could have that balance. Work and life. Somewhere that understands beyond work hours I have a life and a family that is important to me and I need to work for a company that values that. I have always been a determined person, I will work my butt off to prove myself in whatever it is I choose and I feel like this opportunity would be perfect for me.

Another thing I have realized is that in the past I did not have my priorities straight, I do believe that if my life was totally different than what it is now I would still be working for the Oil company I started at because my goals then were just to excel in my career. My career was my only goal and money was my only object of affection. However things changed and my object of affection is my husband and son and my goal is to be the best I can be for my family.
I need a company that understands family comes first, in saying that I also need a company where it will become my second "family" and because of that it will be a priority to me as well but never again will my work come before my family.

I think I also needed to remind myself that I'm worth it. It may sound lame or... odd to say that but because of my past I started feeling that I wasn't good enough or smart enough to take on certain positions and more than likely because I had those insecurities I was not chosen for those positions. So I've been working on reminding myself that I do have a lot to offer and I'm worth taking a chance on for the right company and the right team... I am not just good enough but I'm great! :)

I really think that I have come to realize a lot in the last few months being unemployed, all for the better too. For example before I would always on some level think 'there has to be more to life than this' (meaning work) and I didn't understand why that was how I had to define myself and why I felt I had to settle for doing something I didn't enjoy where I used to perceive that was why all women took office jobs... because we are good at them and not because we enjoy them, however after a few conversations with my Mom about that concept I realized that isn't true. Everyone has their skills and if you find a position that allows you to put those skills to use and to challenge yourself you will be happy. So I've come to realize what some of my skills are and looking back I know I did enjoy doing most aspects of my work in past office jobs it was just the circumstances around the work I wasn't enjoying. I have also become aware of the fact that I am not made to be a stay at home mother. I love my son dearly and of course there are some pretty sweet bonuses with being home with him like being able to play with him, watch him grow up, wear my pj's all day but it's not easy and it takes a lot of energy and creativity and I have come to learn that I need to be in an adult environment to thrive... I need the socialization and I need to be challenged mentally and I need to do things that are for me and define myself as something other than Mom. Because of this I know I need to get back in the groove... and ultimately this decision is about my family because it's about supporting them financially and being a better Mom/Wife when I am with them due to the fact that I'm getting what I need to do so.

What a Waste

Somedays I feel like time is going in slow motion... and I'm wasting it. I feel like I am not productive and as if I'm holding my family back due to my unemployment. I love to be home with my son but I feel as if I'm lazy and I worry that sometimes D may be resentful if I wasn't entirely productive one day where as he spent a full day working. Sure I have EI - for now, but that's not a life... it's not income it's support and I don't want support I want to be the supporter.

Sometimes I think that I should chase my dreams and create something that I love so that way I can enjoy going to work everyday... but then reality slaps me in the face and I realize that we have a mortgage to pay now and despite that I would love to do certain things on my own it probably isn't the smartest move I could make at this time in my life.

It's almost like there is an inner conflict going on ... part of me says to stop being afraid of chasing my dreams and the other part says stop being stupid and get your head out of the clouds. After all it isn't just about me, my dreams aren't just about my happiness with my career they are about my family being happy and being able to give them opportunities... money really does make the world go round.

Sorry for this depressing post but sometimes life aint all sunshine and lollipops...

Winter, Where are You?

I can't believe it is already November! It hardly looks or feels like it outside; the sun is bright and warm and the winds are blowing in a chinook... not quite November weather, call me crazy but I am looking forward to the first snowfall.

I'm not looking forward to the cold...or the freezing prairie winter winds... but I love the majestic look of the first snowfall where everything is blanketed in a layer of white.

Plus aside from the aesthetics of winter's beauty I'm really excited for the adventures it will bring too. Tobogganing and making snowmen, skiing and skating, this will be the first year I think Aiden will be able to really enjoy these things so I can't wait!