Making A List...or Two or Three...

It is 352 days until the wedding...

Yes I am THAT girl who counts down a full calendar year to the big day. I am also THAT girl who has to make a list for EVERYTHING wedding. I will be sitting at my desk at work and out of nowhere my mind will yell "floral arrangements!" And I will grab a piece of paper and jot down my ideas for different types of flowers I love, what colors I want to use, how I want them to be arranged, what kind of look I'm going for... endless, and I mean endless options are scribbled and then tucked neatly into my purse to go through in the evening.

I don't think anyone fully realizes how much work it is to plan a wedding, there is just SO much to plan and to consider. I am trying ever so hard to be a frugal bride. Chic and cheap is my motto.

So far I am sticking it to it fairly well... at least I think I am. And with 11 months and a few weeks to have everything perfectly planned I am off to a pretty good start. I already have my dress, the venues, the officiant, the ceremony musician, the wedding party chosen, and a probable caterer and menu selected!

I never realized it before, but I simply LOVE planning all of this. I literally research everything and anything every single day at some point or another. I have two binders full of information, ideas and what my plans are. At first I admit I felt a bit overwhelmed by everything but thankfully we've waited a while since our engagement which gave me plenty of time to think about what I really wanted and what was us. I think that I have a pretty good picture of all of that in my mind now and I'm fully ready to search out the missing pieces to put it all together!

I really want this wedding to be perfect! I want the atmosphere to be beautiful and romantic, like a summer garden party! I think the main thing I will splurge on is flowers, I love flowers and I want them to be everywhere! Again with the garden party look... I will most likely go overboard in that area!

One thing that is really very hard for me to think about is the fact that my Grandmother will not be there to share this day with me. I was so close to Grammy, I love her so much and I miss her so. What I would give to see her beautiful smile and to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. To have her see me as a bride, in my gown. To tell her that I hope to become the amazing woman she was. Because she loved flowers as much as she did I will be sure to make them abundant at my wedding just for her, just so that she can look down at us all and enjoy the beauty too from where she is above. xoxoxo.

 

Nearing the End

I hate it here.

Here being my "home" (the quotations are there because it still doesn't feel like a home to me) and also being this city and countless other things that coincide with living here... work, stupid neighbors, D's job and his stupid shifts that I hate...

We just came back from the lake and my week of holidays is over, I am so very glad I had that week break but at the same time I really don't feel ready to go back yet. I don't know but sometimes even the thought of work makes me feel drained. I don't hate my job, I don't love it either... but especially coming from vacation where I didn't have to be there all week it really makes me think that I want a new challenge. I know that it probably won't happen for awhile but I really want to figure something out because I just don't want to feel this way my whole working life. I miss spending more time with my family, I want to do something that lets me be creative and have fun and be challenged... it kind of depresses me to come back to this.

It also depresses me to live in this stupid place with idiot neighbors and taking the worst bus ever to work everyday. Its dumb but sometimes I get these feelings of anxiety just because I wish I didn't have to go to work the next day. Its like the Sunday Night Blues or something.

Being away and living so simply for that week just made me see that I want that, I want more of that. I don't want to be part of this rat-race that Calgary has become. I just don't care about the money or the greed or the things... but no matter how much I try to think of something I can't come up with an idea of what I can do that would give us that satisfaction of a homey place to live and a slow paced small town living and to be content doing whatever we decided to do.

Maybe I just think to much about this kind of thing, but the more I see Calgary grow and the deeper I get in the business world I see more and more of a life I don't care to have. Sure money is nice and being able to afford anything my family could want or need would be a great thing but it isn't about that and I don't want that to be the values my son is raised with. I feel like I'm in the middle of an inner tug-of-war sometimes and it drives me insane. I would give anything to have a simpler life but I would give anything to give everything to my family.

I don't really know what to do.