A New Outlook

Do you ever stop and think "who am I?"... sometimes life seems to be so hectic and full of chaos that it seems we lose sight of ourselves, of who we want to be.

Lately I feel drained, not myself... at times empty. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that has you bogged down... especially if you are like me and are good at repressing your problems...

So I thought about everything and I realized a few things were bothering me... one thing was my living situation. I want and need to have a space that is for my family, we have put up with living in a basement for as long as we could stand... we realized it's time for something more!

Another issue which is still unresolved is my job, I hate my job. There is nothing about work that makes me happy and when at the end of the day you go home angry and stressed out it is not only me that this is a problem for, as I realized... but my family too. Considering they get the brunt of my frustrations. (Sorry!)

Last but not least I have, and always have had, body issues... issues with myself all around actually but the main focus was my body. When I was younger I constantly thought I was fat, ugly, dis-proportioned, you name it ... bad ... I thought it. After a few years and some actual knowledge seeped into me I realized I am none of those things, but of course we all have our hang ups. My issue with myself now is from a more rationale standing, the fact that I am not healthy. My eating habits first off are horrible, many people let the fact that I am thin equal me being healthy, that is dead wrong! I am a coffee drinker, that which is not a focused goal of changing... not now anyways. I am a snacker... it will be the death of me! I have the bad habit of binge eating on the weekends. The laziness comes on, I don't want to cook, we order out then we watch movies and pig out on junk food. Lately I've been trying to change that and I've done pretty good so far! But my number 1 health issue is that I don't excersise. It's pretty embarrassing when you run a block to catch your bus and you have to catch your breath! I attempted push ups last week, in high school I could easily do 20 or more... I couldn't finish 10! I have lost a lot of my ab muscles...although that I can blame on bearing a child although I don't have an excuse to not have those built up by now! I already have a bad back, I always have, carrying around Aiden everyday doesn't help. I realize that I need to strengthen and tone my body. And for once in my whole life I am more concerned to add weight to the scale because I know I have no muscle mass anymore. In fact I think I may even be underweight...

Another added bonus to my healthy changes will of course be feeling better and happier. More energy would mean more playful Mom for one thing!

So this is my goal, not necessarily my new years resolution but... my goal for my whole life. I need to start being smarter and making better choices, especially since soon enough my son will be paying more attention to the choices I make in order to learn how to make them for himself.. I need to be a better role model if nothing else!

Back to the job issue, I have been feeling for awhile now that it is time for a change... I need a new career path. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do, or even what I am good at... but I suppose you don't know until you try.

I do have a future hope that is to go back to school, once Aiden starts schooling I would love to go to college for something. Maybe journalism! But as of now I am undecided. I guess it depends where these next 4 years take me!

For now I'm just going to keep my options open... and keep my mind open to change.