My reason for this anger at my failure is as follows (please picture this scenario in your head):
It is January, I am enjoying an hour to myself at the mall going through some tail end boxing day deals when I come into a store I wouldn't normally even glance at walking by...what is in this store changed my credit cards life forever...as I passed through some racks with very nice markdowns I come to one that stops me in my tracks...I see the jeans, they are beautiful. They scream "put me on!" and as if to answer the calls a saleswoman approaches me and asks if I would like to try on a pair. What could the harm be in trying them on...I rationalize to myself not stopping to remind my brain that I do not have very good will power. On I follow the girl to the change rooms and slip into these beauties. I come out, check myself out and I like what I see. For any girl you know how hard it is to find a great pair of jeans, especially when they are the FIRST pair you try on. So I admire how great they fit, check out my butt and think wow... THESE are jeans! I pull out the price tag and feel the blood drain from my face...200$ ... then my poor rationalization skills come into play telling me things like 'you've never spent more than 60$ on a pair of jeans before, whats the harm in ONE expensive pair?' or 'when was the last time you even bought jeans??' or 'think about how envious you are of J's jeans and clothes and for once wouldn't you like to have a nice brand name pair to flaunt?' My answer.. YES, yes and yes!
I take the jeans up to the counter, anxiously scanning the store half expecting my mom to jump out behind a clothing rack and drag me out by my hair at this rediculous spending spree I'm about to embark on...nothing happens...I get to the till...I hear those ugly numbers coming out of the cashiers mouth and I hand her my credit card with my best "I shop here all the time" smirk on my face and I take my bag, clutching it against me even closer than my purse, and leave the store (and the mall in fear of spending more money I shouldn't)
But wait there is more...
The jeans are too long, everywhere else is a perfect fit but they are about 3 inches too long! I carefully fold them into my closet so that when I have the money to alter them I can get it done.
A month goes by, no alterations have been made. Then one day I think to myself it's about time I get those pants fixed. I pull them out, gaze over the beauty that is Rock & Republic and I decide to put them on. I pull one leg through, then the other and I stop...I catch my horrified look in the mirror as I think to myself that this CANNOT be happening...I can't get them over my butt...I can't do them up...oh my god what have I done!!!!
I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to take back buying these stupid lovely devilish things!! I squirm, I suck in everything I can, I pull and pull and ... nothing. They don't fit me anymore!
I take them off and hang them up very carefully and sit on my bed. My first thought is there goes almost 200$ down the drain on something I can't use. My second thought is how could I not fit into my pants?
Now let me just say that I have always had some fluctuation in my weight between 5 and 10 pounds but in the past it seemed to leave as easily and quickly as it came. This time it was not so.
That real life nightmare occurred in February, it is now almost July. My pants still don't fit and they stay hung up in my closet unworn, untouched and mocking me every day of my life.
Upside - I haven't bought a pair of jeans since. Downside - more of my jeans have decided to betray me and no longer fit as well.
What do I do?
I managed to cut back on snacking and fast food quite a bit, I would say I eat pretty well now. I tried to get into a gym, my Curves membership has since failed me as I quickly lost my motivation to go. I started running a few times a week at lunch...for two weeks...then I stopped. I can't stick to anything. No matter how good it makes me feel that I have more energy or I've found a way not to snack myself to death at work I still feel fat. Until I can fit into those jeans I think I will have a hard time telling myself I am not. Despite knowing deep down that I'm not FAT and that is such an ugly word I have always had such a bad body image of myself that I don't really know how to train my brain not to think those things.
My goal this summer was to look and feel AMAZING in a bikini. That was it.
Well its summer...I'm nowhere near that goal at the moment.
So now that I've explained myself I want to once again make a goal for myself. Maybe my bikini goal was a bit far fetched...so now my goal is simply this:
Lose the tummy pooch, lose a few inches around the butt & thighs, tone up and most importantly FEEL good about myself (meaning no more unhealthy labelling and also feeling healthy in my diet and managing my exercise)
I bought the new Shape magazine today and I drank a big glass of water, went downstairs and did one of the workouts for 20 minutes. I was sweating and I could feel my heart beating pretty fast after, then I stretched, drank more water and now I'm here...
I've heard that if you write down your goals you are more likely to achieve them. I can't remember why this was or where I read it but I'm going to give it (another) shot. And maybe this time I will try to track it for myself.
I would like to exercise minimum of 2 times a week but preferably 3. At least 45 minutes worth. I want to do cardio twice a week (not including those 45 minutes) and stretch everyday!
I think part of my problem with not sticking to routines is that I get bored so to stay away from a rut I'm going to try to mix things up by doing different exercises from Shape (online and from magazines) as well as try some drop in classes, go biking, running, hiking, swimming, anything I can think of to keep motivated!
I'm really hoping that in a few months I can say I have achieved this goal for myself. I need to stay positive and think about the long term goals, not just the short term. I need to stay focused!
So here is day one, I'm going to force myself to do some cardio tomorrow!
*The greatest wealth is health*
